I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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