Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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