I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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