i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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