I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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