the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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