i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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