im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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