I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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