it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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