I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
