Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
