The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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