are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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