I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
