I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
