I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
