Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
