i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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