I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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