After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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