we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
