Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
