It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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