tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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