You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
