im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
