I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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