if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
