you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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