I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
