Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
