hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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