Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
