when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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