She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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