I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
