Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
