dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
