i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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