I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
