just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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