im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
