is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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