I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think my fart just growled at me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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