if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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