y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
