There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
