no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
