in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
