Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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